I’m not satisfied with just being patient. Besides, why would I want some reformed broad who’d marry me just to satisfy a ticking biological clock?

Quicker than a Godwin event.

People are very complex things. Living is a very complicated matter.

Two people living together is kindasorta the product (math sense–one times the other) of those two factors, squared or cubed.

In some things and at some times and in some places, one will provide the leadership (a term I like better that the “alpha-beta” business which means the same thing but which has baggage attached). When the the thing, the time, or the place changes, so might the leadership change.

My son, a few months ago, asked at the dinner table this question: “Daddy, how did mommy get to be the boss?” After I stopped laughing, I echoed Bill Cosby’s comment: “I’ve seen the boss’ job. I don’t WANT it!” Since my wife stays at home with the children, I usually defer to her in day to day decisions; she’s the closest to them and always makes a good call. However, we always-always- discuss and agree on the big issues. Most of the time, when we disagree, I’m willing to compromise. There are a few issues on which I will not. My wife recognizes those issues and does not press me on them. Ever.

I would say that I’m the alpha while my wife is an alpha-minus. She’s definitely not a beta, but I cannot truthfully call her an straight up alpha. Call it the Big Fat Greek marriage: I’m the head of the family, while my wife is the neck. I can beat a stiff neck, but most of the time it’s okay to relieve the stress and turn in the direction that the neck wants you to go.

I was always the guy who was accused of being the “nice guy who finished last”. I always wondered why? Too often the nice guys are accused of being unmanly but I was never that. I’ve played semi-pro football, can bench press over 400 lbs, and am more than willing to kick the ass of the “jerk” who mistreats women. The truth is that many women get scared off by men who want marriage and kids, but they will eventually mature. Be patient.

It’s not easy, but couples who work at this kind of relationship can count on a marriage lasting decades rather than years. And it only gets better with time and effort.

First, if the woman in question goes for jerks, why is she a good one?

Second, the probable reason why she does go for jerks is that she is likely miserable on the inside. Maybe she had a traumatic childhood, maybe she’s immature, maybe she needs therapy, etc. To her, a jerk represents what she wants to be: confident, secure, grown-up. One problem: a jerk isn’t any of these things. That’s just what she is attracted to because of warped perceptual skills.

Third, going on a generalized principle of “by the people they choose to be around shall you know them”, why in the world would a self-respecting, mature adult male want anything to do with this woman?

And fourth, chances are that this woman is suffering from a psychological condition known as ‘codependency’, in which the codependent views themselves as utterly worthless, undeserving of respect, love, or even toleration of their presence. Guess what a woman suffering from this chooses to pick out in terms of love affairs? Jerks, or worse, abusers.

That being said, relating the above to this post, I think John Hawkins is missing the point. It isn’t about ‘alpha’ and ‘beta’; it’s about choosing a woman you respect and who respects you back. ‘Alpha’ and ‘beta’ to me speak more about differentiating roles rather than saying anything profound about the nature of men and women.

So I agree with Cassy.

Successful couples have always handled it in ways that worked best for them, but generally is not talked about.

It seems to me that the more clear we can be on how the authority to decide and to act in various various areas of life together, the better we do.

Alpha/beta? Generalities probably aren’t the most helpful way for a specific couple to deal with power issues. Who’s best at what? Who knows the most about what? Who enjoys dealing with what? What balance feels best? works best for the two of you? At the end of the day, that’s what gets the jobs done what holds couples together.

“Man for the field and woman for the hearth:
Man for the sword and for the needle she:
Man with the head and woman with the heart:
Man to command and woman to obey:
All else confusion.”